By Nick Saunders
With all of the recent announcements from Marvel relating to their upcoming Summer 2015 events, I figured it was a good time to weigh in on the subject. Speaking of weight, I am pushing a svelte 327 pounds at the moment, and I think a cool 25% of that is the gorgeous cinnamon beard I’ve been cultivating as of late.
For better or worse, I really don’t feel like doing a whole ton of research to back up anything I opine herein. So if any of my three readers want to pepper my comments feed with fact-checking that contradicts me, be my guest.
I feel less like taking a title-by-title crack at these revealed series, and more like stating my intense distaste at what appears to be a double whammy of laziness and fanwanking by the editorial staff at Marvel. By the previews shown, they are planning on events such as Secret Wars, Armor Wars, Civil War, Planet Hulk, House of M, Age of Apocalypse, Old Man Logan, and Infinity Gauntlet just to name a handful. If the list that I just spouted off to you sounds like a verbatim bibliography of some of the biggest Marvel crossover events of the last 30 years, don’t fret because it’s not the mescaline talking. Apparently they are somehow planning to create either continuances or re-imaginations of all these previous crossovers, and publish all of them during the summer of 2015.
It is at this juncture where I almost feel like calling bullsh*t on the whole thing- this must be Marvel dicking around in a sadistic fashion with the perverse desire to see fanboys’ heads explode like a tranny Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. Once they’ve gotten the geek community all hot and frothy with nerd rage, they will come back and and let us know that the whole world just got Punk’d. Hell, they might even get Kristen Bell to stop shaving Dax Shepard’s ass long enough just so he can come break the news to us all.
However, the cynic in me (like the last paragraph wasn’t cynical enough) thinks the people at Marvel have something even more insidious planned. I suspect that they are going to publish all these titles, hoping that nostalgic suckers like myself will buy them to re-live the awesomeness that the regurgitated titles harken back to. I fear that this is a 100% real publishing campaign, and as such is the worst case of fan-baiting shysterism this side of The Death of (insert iconic comic book character set to be resurrected in the very near future here).
You know what they one thing they didn’t take into account is though? That nerds like myself either own, or have a close personal homeboy who owns, the trades of these original titles they are siphoning from. So if I really want to nostalgically relive these epic stories, I will read them as originally published.
So droppeth the FigureBOMB.
(Nick Saunders is not a raging fanboy; he only plays one on T.V. He fully acknowledges that he may be entirely wrong about this, and come next summer will be eating a buttload of crow)